Letters To The Past

Dear Esther,

I never expected myself to become like your past. Everytime I sit and reflect, I would remember the times when you said that you were lost. Lost, angry, sad. It’s a little funny now that that’s how I really feel nowadays. I respected you so much. You were a teacher to me. You taught me the ropes of life and the ways to avoid the potholes. But i never heeded it. When you left for Penang, I knew that was it. I knew that i could not handle life on it’s own. It was difficult. I hate you for that but i know i cannot fully blame you. You had your own life. I had mine. I was only 14 then. I had to learn to live life myself, not to learn from someone else. Now that i think back, i was so much of a hypocrite. I wanted to meet your standard, but i knew i couldn’t. When you left, i knew there was no need to meet a bar. That was it i suppose.

If i could see you now, i know you wouldn’t recognise me. I’ve changed. Inside and outside. I remember the time when i went to your office to seek refuge with you. You took your Bible as usual, and within it, found comfort. I never did. Sometimes i suspect whether it was better without the inclusion of the Bible. At least now, i wouldn’t have to go to hell for my hate for Christ and all other brainwashing religion. If you saw me type this, you would say… “Not a religion. RELATIONSHIP.”

Sometimes I wished i could still run to you for comfort. You were always there for me. As i start to slowly lose the taste of the spices of life, I regret not telling you all these things. How I wanted to meet your bar. How I lived a double life. What i have become and what i have been doing. Yet, I wouldn’t want to. I don’t want to see your reaction. It would kill me.

I know you would tell me that Christ is always there for me. Hell. To hell with that. He was never there. He will never be there. God is an idea of the fearful. He is not real. He only lives in the minds of men. Not in mine though. I wished i could simply erase you from my mind. You stood as an epitome of faith to me. If i could erase you just like everyone else who i’ve met, then maybe i’ll be better off.

I think of the perfect life that you’re living and I hate it. I hate your perfect life and all of the stupid religious shit you stand for. Pigs. Humans are like pigs. The disgusting ones deserve to die. I know I would execute all of you and desecrate your temples if i could. It’s funny. It’s funny how i contradict myself this way. I feel like i love you so much that i can kill you. Kill you to ease your shoulder of life. I don’t know what to feel now. I’m lost.